Homosexuality and religion. Are they like oil and water?
Many of the world’s major faiths view same-sex attraction either as sinful, or something to be ‘healed’ or suppressed. This makes life very challenging indeed for gay and lesbian believers who are born and grow up in families who are active members of these faith communities.
Same-sex attraction is just one part of the wider LGBT+ spectrum, but this article focuses on this particular group. Bisexual, trans, asexual, and other groups may have a different experience within religious communities, whereas those who are exclusively homosexual have specific, centuries-old dilemmas.
Also, for a moment, let’s set aside the many different beliefs and often painful feelings about the prohibition of homosexual relationships from a religious perspective. There are countless arguments about this which never actually lead to a universal consensus.
Instead, let us consider the dilemma faced specifically by those gay and lesbian believers who are deeply involved with their faith community and who also accept the teachings of their faith which tell them they can never have a relationship with someone of the same sex. One example of this is the case history of a young man called Cal.*
Cal is 29 years old and belongs to a family which is actively involved in their faith community. He has known since he was 8 that he is only attracted to boys and men, although he has several female friends. Cal has a very deep faith in his religion and attends many of the community activities, even though the religious laws forbid gay relationships. Cal had a few secretive relationships with men during his years at university but never revealed this to his family and still feels intensely guilty about these encounters.
Harry is Cal’s best friend, and he belongs to the same faith group. They met at university, and, like Cal, Harry had relationships with men while he was there, although Harry did have one or two short term girlfriends in his first year. Harry and Cal have talked at length about their struggles with their sexual orientation and the feelings of guilt and shame they experience. They have never found any real answers to this dilemma.
Some well-meaning older members of the faith community have sometimes asked these young men when they are going to “meet a nice girl and get married?” This has caused both of them considerable stress as they experience this as huge pressure to appear ‘normal’.
Cal cannot bring himself to talk about his sexuality to his other friends within the faith community. He knows they are kind people, but the prospect of shame in revealing his sexual orientation is overwhelming. He feels certain that they will reject or judge him, even if they never actually put this into words.
He has non-religious friends too, but talking to them about his dilemma between his sexuality and his religion always results with the friends advising him to leave the religion in order to ‘be his true self’. Cal cannot get them to understand that his faith is a major part of his true self. If he left his religion, he would lose the heart of what gives his life meaning, as well as alienating him from his family and many friends. He has always been grateful that he has Harry to talk to about these things, because he can’t talk to anyone else.
But about six months ago, things changed between Harry and Cal. Harry got a girlfriend for the first time in ten years. He told Cal he was making a huge effort to overcome his attraction to men so he can marry and have a family. The difference between these two friends is that Harry has a (weak) attraction to women, whereas Cal has never had a glimmer of feelings towards the opposite sex. Cal understands that Harry would want to ‘be normal’ and have a life that his family and faith can recognise and support. He doesn’t blame Harry for trying to be in a relationship with a woman.
What hurts, though, is that Harry has distanced himself from Cal. They haven’t met up for nearly four months now, and Harry posts photos on social media of his girlfriend and him going out for dinner and having days out with friends. These posts are getting lots of ‘likes’ from the faith community. To Cal, this is a very different version of Harry - one he feels he doesn’t know.
A couple of months later, Harry and his girlfriend announce their engagement. Harry’s social media page is full of congratulations, likes, and pictures of balloons. Cal sends his congratulations by text to Harry, who replies with a short message thanking Cal. Half an hour later, Harry sends another message to Cal saying he’s sorry he’s been out of touch, but he’s really trying to make a different life now and wishes Cal well for his future. This message has a sort of finality about it that leaves Cal feeling profoundly alone.
Over the next few weeks, Cal searches the internet for psychotherapists who specialise in helping people who are struggling with their sexuality. He contacts a few reputable therapists but is told that attempts to reverse sexual orientation are unethical and ineffective, and that therapy aims to help him accept his feelings towards the same sex. Cal feels despair. As he sees it, if he ‘accepts’ his non-heterosexual orientation this means he will be alone and lonely for the rest of his life. As a devout believer, he would never be able to have a romantic relationship (at least, not openly, and therefore with huge guilt and shame) and he could not even talk about it to his family and most of his friends. This feels unbearable.
Cal starts searching for other treatments and comes across a website from to a different religion which promises to ‘heal homosexual impulses’. There’s a phone number, and Cal uses this to make contact, but the conversation he has with the ‘therapist’ leaves him uncomfortable. This person admits he isn’t actually trained as a therapist at all but uses religious rituals and prayers to ‘cast out unclean demons’. None of this sounds okay to Cal and he ends the call as soon as he politely can.
Cal feels he has run out of options and run out of hope. Although he sets off as usual that evening to join his community activity, he does so with a quiet desperation.
This state of isolation is where many gay and lesbian believers end up, because they find nowhere else to turn. They can feel very lonely and unsupported. Some manage to find friends within their faith community with whom they can be honest, but many feel this is too risky to explore. The prospect of shame is overwhelming. Many otherwise kind and considerate believers may be unaware of the struggles of sexual minorities amongst them, especially when there is silence on these matters in the community rather than outright condemnation.
In desperation, some people with same-sex attraction may seek ‘conversion therapy’ to try and make themselves heterosexual. Almost all the governing bodies of psychotherapy and psychological therapies have stated their opposition to these practices, stating that the therapy is ineffective and can be traumatising. It is expected that the UK government will soon make any type of conversion therapy illegal [1]
The question is - does Cal’s life have to be like this? Could faith communities be more open and supportive about the fact that many believers are not heterosexual? This does not mean trying to change the religious laws, but instead changing the attitudes towards those determined souls who are both gay and devout. They deserve respect and they need support. Leading a celibate life because you are not heterosexual whilst living in a community of couples and families is like constantly fasting while others around you are feasting. Being unable to talk openly about it too puts those with same-sex attraction in a very isolated place.
Outside the faith communities, in the secular world, the increasing integration and conscious acceptance of sexual minorities only highlights the tension for gay believers within their faith group.
There are no easy answers for Cal. The two deepest parts of him – his faith and his love relationships - appear to be unreconcilable. Responsible therapy would aim to help him navigate this tricky ethical ground and find his own way through it, but will not attempt to change his orientation. Professional therapy is always non-judgmental, which should help Cal feel less alone as he engages with these considerable challenges and help him overcome the chronic shame that develops in silence.
Research has shown that young gay and lesbian people who live in supportive families and communities are more psychologically resilient and less vulnerable to mental health issues and suicide [2]. We can learn from this. If Cal was a member of your community, how might you make it easier for him to open up about the challenges he faces? How might you support him? Adherence to the teachings is not at odds with support and acceptance for those who lead their lives in obedience to those laws.
The intersection of homosexuality and religion can present a complex and challenging dilemma for many believers and their communities. As we reflect on Cal's story, let us consider how we can make it easier for believers like him to share their experiences and provide them with the support they need. By promoting inclusivity and empathy within faith communities, we can help alleviate the emotional burdens faced by many who find themselves torn between their faith and their sexual orientation. In doing so, we can foster a more compassionate, inclusive and understanding environment for all members of these communities.
If you are affected by the issues raised in this article, you can find support at https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/advice-for-life-situations-and-events/mental-health-support-if-you-are-gay-lesbian-bisexual-lgbtq/ and also at https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/
*All names and identifying features have been changed
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